Crash

The tiny spike on the back of my shoe feels unnatural. It gives me a sense of being adult and unstable at the same time. I pair the black and white sandals with long shorts and a garbage t-shirt, and the adult feeling immediately vanishes. There are a lot of things I do to make myself feel grown up. I pay my bills, I work full time, I put myself through school- but oddly enough the inch of plastic under my foot is what does it today. Today I've felt pushed over and walked on, confused, lonely and rejected. Today I do exactly the opposite of what I want, because it's the only way I know to stand up for myself right now. I'm probably completely wrong about everything. I drank way too much last night, more out of anxiety than desire. Why am I lately seeking means I NEVER saw myself seeking for some relief?