You'll never read this/ Sorry In General

Why do we carry around the pain of our childhood/adolescence with us? Why is it so hard to let these things go?

okay, stop being vague. Someone I used to know requested my friendship on myspace a number of months to go. This person and I were very close, i sobbed like a baby and became extremely depressed when she moved away. I'm still being vague. Her name is Jesse. We were friends through our church, NAC, with a bunch of other people. We were all really close. Me, Jesse, Jessie, Grace, Josh, Josh and Josh. There was later a lot of bad blood between us and some very un-churchlike behavior and- besides my sister- I am not friends with any of them anymore.
Where was I? Oh, right, Jess moved away. We promised to keep in touch... But, of course and as always, promises made between teenagers to keep in touch no matter what the distance failed us. We stopped communicating completely besides one horrible trip to visit her a year after she moved. Every time she comes into town I hear about it because my Mother and her Mother still go to the same church. But, every time she comes to town she doesn't have time to see me. She doesn't even make the effort. Whatever, right? Life goes on. Until she found me on myspace.

I don't know why she did it... I don't know why we decided to hook up there. Because, really, what is myspace? Sure, it's a way to keep in touch with the people you actually speak to, but it's also a way to flaunt what you're doing to people you don't really keep in touch with. However, for me, it's a way to bring back a thousand terrible childhood memories- which is what it's done today. Jesse was in town in August. I sent her a myspace message and a text-both ignored- which didn't surprise me at all.... so I forgot about it. I have my own friends, job, school, life now and I AM capable of holding onto friends, despite the gap between my church clique and myself. I have to reassure myself that what happened with them was not my fault. And since none of them give 2 shits about me and will ever read my blog- I can say it. It was their fault. They made a wrong, hurtful decision and executed it in a painful- holier- than- thou way, but it was all in Jesus' name. Looking back on it now, it probably meant nothing to them, because I meant nothing to them.

So, I guess the bottom line is I got my heart ripped out by my "friends". These were people I tried so hard to be like. These were people I wanted to like me SO much that I feigned belief and ignorance and innocence and basically changed myself to be their friend. This is something I do not believe I have done before or since. But all the time I was pretending, I still thought I was coming up short. Even my pretend-self I was always found wanting in their judging eyes and the eyes of their parents and our pastors and everyone around me. I couldn't cut it. I thought I was unique in this, I thought it was just me who was stained and didn't fit it. But now I realize something- they were all just as fucked up as me. They weren't pristine or holy anymore than I was, they were just better at hiding it. They were better at lying and they were better at playing the innocent and crying during worship and praising God and "leading people to be saved". I wonder, does that mean I was the 'better' church-goer? Because I was worse at faking it?

Regardless... Jesse came to town. She has pictures on her myspace of the week she was here. Tell me why a picture of her and the Joshes with the caption "(Some of the old NAC crew (the cool ones :)sshh )" Just absolutely broke my heart. The only people missing are me and my sister. We're the ones that weren't cool. And even after all these years, that rejection is killing me right now. That rejection feels as fresh as it did the day we all stopped being friends. But Why? Why do I still crave their acceptance a little bit? Why does it bother me that they go out and probably laugh about me? WHY DO I CARE!? Is there a way to just take this part of my life away? Any of the good memories given to me by these people has been completely erased by the bad memories anyway. I don't want them anymore.

So I ask again...
Why do we carry around the pain of our childhood/adolescence with us?
Why is it so hard to let these things go?


If I had the balls and the desire to be gossipped about, this is what I would say...

"Just wanted to say bye... although I guess this could have been done 7 years ago and we'd still have the same amount of history. I'm sorry I'm not worth a phone call, e-mail or even a myspace message. I'm sorry that I wasn't one of the "cool ones" at NAC. I'm sorry that I've never really been good enough for any of you, but most of all I'm sorry that I tried so hard to be. Hard enough to damage myself enough to be upset by a picture on your myspace close to a decade later. So, that's it. I'm sorry in general. "