Shoulds and Laters

I should be sleeping. In 5 hours I will be behind Starbucks' counter beggining my long work day. I can't stop thinking though. Lately I've felt as though there are a lot of things I should be doing to protect myself, but I'm doing none of them. I hope that certain feelings will diminish if I stay away from certain people, but I can't find the energy or desire to test this out. I'm stuck, but it's by my own will. I'm just too scared to take the proper steps to ensure my... safety? Maybe I should put myself out there even though I might get hurt. I'm afraid to risk. I'm afraid of so much. Sometimes I feel completely pathetic, like I'm pathetic to the point of loosing my mind. I don't know what to believe from people. My self esteem is severely damaged by people who are supossed to love me. I see them every 6 months and it takes the whole 6 months for me to feel good about myself again once I leave them. Are they honest because they love me? Or are they mean because they don't? So many thoughts keep me awake. Surely none of this is making any sense. If it really isn't, and you're frusterated- imagine how I feel. You're lucky though, because all you have to do to leave my world is click on that little x in the corner. I wish my mind had a little x. It's just not that easy.