Dead

I woke up this morning at 930. I set my alarm so I could get up, do some laundry, work on my Intersexed paper and possibly go to the gym before I bring Grace lunch and go to work. So I do so, throw some laundry in and start reading and researching. I started to feel gross so I decided, hey, I'll run to the gym for a little while. I do so, but while I'm there I get a call from my friend, Lauren. She's asking me to watch her kids for a few hours so she can go and look for a new job. I can't, I have to be at work at 2 and I have a paper to write, Laundry to do, and 20 more minutes on the eliptical. She starts a sob story and I feel bad so I tell her to drop the kids off at 1130 as long as she's back by 130 so I can get to work by 2. I call my sister and tell her I can't bring her lunch and she gets upset/angry and 2 minutes after I hang up with her she send me a text message that says "you have time to go to the gym!?" So I get off the machine, and go to McDonald's to get her a salad. No biggie, right? Waiting at the light after getting the food there's a homeless guy on the corner and he looks really really sick, so I gave him $5. As I'm handing him money the light turns green and the car behind me lays on the horn. I gave him the 'I'm sorry' hand and started to drive away. The guy behind me turns his radio off, lays on HIS horn and starts screaming "Bitch!!! I'm not that one who fucking honked at you, bitch!! Bitch!" So I tried to ignore him, but he kept pulling up onto my bumper and honking all the way down Ritchie Highway. So I went to get off Ritchie so he'd leave me alone and as I'm pulling away he pulls up next to me and throws a penny at me!!! Through my window!!! Of course, since I pulled off Ritchie Highway I was late bringing the lunch to my sister and late to meet Lauren at my house. She was angry. My Sister was angry. So I cried the whole way to my sisters work and then the whole way home. It's barely 1230 and I'm ready to call it a day. William and McKayla are here. William is chewing on a USB port, McKayla is playing with my laptop. My room is not in any way babyproof, so I'd better go.

Here I am.

Tonight, during idle conversation a friend expressed her thoughts about marriage. Apparently, if she could get married to someone rich right now, she wouldn't finish college. I don't know why, but the whole situation had a very 1950's feel to me. Why am I so opposed to this? Why can I not stand every guy who is interested in me? (not that it's many) What exactly is my deal? I've been seeking for some definitive answers lately. I'm 20, so maybe it's a little early to be stable. Sometimes when I write I swear I'm ripping my sentences straight from songs. Anyway, I now have bangs. Yes. After years of advice, warnings and deliberation, I have them. Thanks, Kate. Also, I saw Robots, and despite the fact that Jaime and I were the only ones really laughing, I recommend it to anyone. That, however, is not my main concern tonight. So I'm going to ponder on things that I know and things I don't, and I will most likely not post what I come up with. I do still have my sensitive subjects, you know.

Fun in NY.

We did a lot in NY! Can you tell? Grace got a tattoo, I dyed my hair and Tekoa got her nose pierced. Despite the freakin' blizzard we had to brave,Grace and Tekoa look awesome, and we had fun.

Apparition

I don't usually know how to talk to the people that are hurting me without starting a fight. I would work on this, but I'm not sure where to start. Somedays it's harder for me to follow when the world is revolving around one certain person, and it usually is. Because when I need a little piece of revolution, everything stops. Everything becomes awkward. I'm sick of lies. I'm sick of gossip. I'm sick of everything. I want to dissapear.

Waiting Under The Waves

I’m losing my faith again, losing my open hand,
Losing my how & why, losing my great divide,
And in this world where we are, who can say what’s going too far?
You punch out the windows baby, I slash all the tires.
I’m feeling that undertow, like maybe it’s time to go,
It’s getting so sick & thin, getting right under my skin,
And in this song that we sing, who could ever point to one thing?
You are still in hiding baby, I am still on fire.
Waiting under the waves,Waiting under the waves,
Waiting under the waves to be saved,
And I am sorry that we’re sinking but we’re sinking just the same.
I’m losing my faith in you, losing my balance too,
How does it get so wrong, how can it all take so long,
And in this time that we live, who could find a way to give a damn
That we are drowning in two separate stormy seas?
Waiting under the waves to be saved,
And I am sorry that we’re sinking but we’re sinking just the same.
Darling do you ever wonder if we two could both slip under?
Learn to sink and learn to swim and breathe again?
All these tears that we cry, and who can say if we will live or die,Stand or fall, live in love or none at all?
waiting under the waves.
-Kris Delmhorst (Songs for a Hurricane)-

Nobody!?

So no one is happy about being in college!? Maybe I will continue, then. I'll probably be the only one of our generation to get a degree. Fabulous. :-)

Desperate

I have just finished my exam in CSI, my computer class. This is bullshit. It's a class for non-computer majors and we were required to do things on this test that aren't in the book. I consider myself pretty computer literate and I've just scored a 79%. How? Seriously, how? And a computer grades our quizzes and tests, so you make one false click and you loose all credit. Certain professors make me never want to come back. Thank God spring break is next week. Grace, Kate, Tekoa and I are going to race off to NY and I'm really happy. Even if it is only for 2 days, it's a much needed break. For all of us, I'm sure. I've had some of the best teachers and the worst teacher of my life at this school. People like Joselle Gatrell and Mike Leuke make me want to quit school, literally. In English today we were debating whether a college education is worth anything. We talked about how trade school gets you so much more than a bacherlors degree. Niiiicccccceeeeee. As if I needed to question my choices any more than I already do. It's not even like I'm going to school to do something I love! I'm broke, tired and busy all the time and I haven't even recieved my associates degree yet. Can I keep this up for 2+ more years? Especially with professors who are completely and utterly unrealistic. My classes are only going to get harder and more expensive. Is anyone out there feeling confident in their decision to matriculate? I need some inspiration here, because I'm dangerously close to throwing in the towel. Oh, happy St. Patrick's Day.

Insignificant

I'm in the computer lab at school. Sometimes I wonder what I'm doing here. To attain my dreams, right? To achieve my goals! If only I knew what those dreams and goals were. I'm printing out excel workbooks and writing assignments, but to what end? What am I doing here? Where am I going?

Sykeobabble

I haven't been posting very much recently. Not neccessarily because I don't have time, but because I can't think of anything to say that will be worth anyone's time. However, looking at the tracker, I realize that even when I don't post, people keep coming back to read. So I figure my pretend psycobabble is appealing to at least a few of you (Even if you are already my friends) and so I'll continue. Last night I went for Sushi with Kate and Rachel. It was a lot of fun, until roe almost made Kate vomit on our table. Fun times. Sushi was, of course, followed with ice cream. I'll be going to the gym later today. Another interesteing tidbit is that Rachel has a toy that can read our minds. Literally. It's a 20-questions game and it guesses everything. I realize it's probably some kind of mathematical grid, but it still creeped me out just a little bit.My homework is backing up on me like you wouldn't believe, and I can't seem to get motiveated to finish it. I think that every college students types that exact sentence at least once a week. We all feel like we're justified in saying it, too. This morning my Mom told me a story about the state of our family when I was about 2 years old. I'm still a little bit in shock. It's odd to be told about things you witnessed extremely first hand. I just don't remember most of it. Very very strange feeling. Okay. I have some errands to run and some homework to put off.

Riveting

A random picture that struck me as really beautiful when I saw it tonight as I was going through some files. I think credit can be assigned to John for this one.

Crawl Before You Run

Sometimes I feel like you make excuses because you don't want to help me. If you wanted to help me, you would. I do not believe that it's about teaching me a lesson or helping me to become a better person. My needs are diminished in your mind by the character flaws I possess. I do something that I think is nice, and you throw it back at me and tell me I'm subversive. You do not respect my education, my work or my self. I ask you to deliver on the help you've promised me and you always come back with "We need to straighten things out" or something else non-definitional. Once we try to talk about it, it ends with me being a bad daughter and not showing you the respect you deserve, not doing enough around the house, not being pleasant and on and on and on. After you've promised me help, you retract it because we conflict. You need me to be everything you want me to be and nothing that I actually am in order to follow through. I can't be everything you want me to be, I do not agree with you in most matters, I have different points of view and I am not Grace or Lisa. Things do not fall into my lap. I am not good at everything, and the things I am good at are not flukes. It doesn't just happen. I work just as hard as you do and I will not compromise myself or my feelings anymore.

Nope

"When Harry met Sally" is a really good movie. It's on for the second time in a row tonight. I am home, eating peanut butter and crackers. The crackers are tiny and they taste like little pieces of bread with cracker flavoring on them. Odd, but I eat them anyway. If I don't, my medication will eat me from the inside out. Although I don't feel in tip top shape, that isn't the way I want to go. As I sit here, watching this movie (yes, for the second time) I wonder why I can't meet people. Why I don't meet people. I like to think that I just haven't given myself enough time. That someday soon someone will magically wander into my life and make me happy. The funny thing is, I don't even know what I want right now. If it walked up to me I'm not sure I would recognize it. So what am I waiting for? Maybe I should stop this "waiting"and take car of what I need to take care of. I have so much to do and I'm wasting time.

Cheesecake and Consequences

Who would have known? I woke up this morning a big red blotchy, swollen mess. Really itchy and really gross. And why? I've narrowed it down to the cheescake I ate at Double T last night. I at maybe 1/4 of a piece, but it did have strawberries on it and I should know better. When I went downstairs my Mother gasped and said "YOUR FACE!!!" Needless to say, this is not the best thing to hear first thing in the morning. (Although it's not as bad as some of the things she's said to me when I first wake.) So off to the emercengy room I went. There, they put me in a gown and on an IV of benadryl, Steriods and something else. The needles wouldn't go in the first time and it "blew up" my vein. Has that ever happenned to anyone? It's painful. Anyway. I have once again missed school and work, which is not good. But my face has it's normal clear pinkish white hue, which is better than purple, black and blue. yeah, today has been fun.

Picard

Tonight at work someone started a sentence with "In my quest to be more like Jean Luc Picard..." I will not name names. I will not expose this person. But Bill, if you're reading, I thought what you said was very funny. It's been snowy here. I don't pay attention, so I'm not sure exatly how much we've gotten, but it's a bit. However, we live in Maryland so the snow is more dangerous than pretty. People can't drive. Period. In any case, things are okay. IN OTHER NEWS- I got tickets to see Garbage!!! (I'm not excited, though, can you tell?) When I said to a co-woker "Guess what I got this morning!!?!?!" He said "Herpes??" I will not name names, I will not expose this person. But Bill, if you're reading, I thought what you said was very funny. Muahahaha. I have a little question for all of you. When someone says "Hello" to you in a retail situation (i.e.- you are the customer, they are "serving" you), what is the appropriate response? You may now comment.