Twice as cloudy

My family is crumbling before my eyes. I mean, my family has always been crumbling, but now it seems that this final meltdown will land the pieces in other states. I honestly have no idea what to do with myself. The worst part of it might be that the person who's leaving doesn't want to talk to me about it. I had to ask, and that might be the single most hurtful thing in my entire life. Of course we fought, we always do. I can't control myself sometimes. So I start making accusations and acting crazy, and in return I'm told what a terrible person I am. I'm told that I'm not the problem, but then I'm told I'm exactly like the problem. I'm terrified. The fact that I am an adult is not making this process any easier. In fact, it might be making it more difficult because I have been trying to pick up the pieces and find answers that no one has. I want to take responsibility for everything, and I want to make everything okay. It's becoming more and more evident that this just isn't going to happen. So many factors go into this. I'm trying to see the positive in the situation, but the negative and unknown are blocking my vision.

Sad
Angry
Panicked
Confused
Worried

I've taken up residence in my own mind, which isn't very healthy place right now. I'm not much more than a walking embodiment of emotions.

G.Y.NO-good

This is what I learned today: The gynecologyist's waiting room is the most awkward, silent place ever. There's this whole disturbing grab bag of people who have nothing in common besides having a vagina or knowing someone with a vagina. There's the 16-year old couple who sit there nervously tapping their feet, the middle aged chinese trio of two women and one man (things that make you go hmmmmm), The cute obviously newly-wed expectant parents (the woman waddles down the hallway and the man wears her gold-chain strapped purse), the random lone man who seems not to belong, and my Mom and I. We're sitting, listening to Elton John, being stared down by a scary asian and pregnant children. I'm wondering if people are mistaking my excess weight for pregnancy. I mean, that's the obvious reason we'd be here, right? Nope, everyone- I'm just fat. Don't judge me by my chub. Moving right along...
The female GYN here is really adorable, about 25, tiny and pretty. After both agreeing on her cutness, my Mother winks at me and says "So make an appointment!" As if her attractiveness and my comfort with her placing metal in my cervix should be roughly on par. And just like that, magically Mother and Daughter we joined the grab bag.

I'm going M.I.A.

I realize it's been awhile since I've posted. Nothing personal, I just can't get my thoughts together enough to say anything substantial. Blog readers around the world just looked at their computer screen crookedly and asked themselves "When does she ever write anything substantial?" My problem is this, a lot of things are happening- good and bad- and I have a difficult time deciding what's going to make a point on my website. Since I don't write for weeks at a time, the things keep backing up until I just say to hell with it and do something else. I'm a great writer.

Things have been weird. A few of my friends have been M.I.A this summer and it's hard for me to just let that go. Even when they are being complete and total bitches and treating me like I don't matter, I don't want our relationships to dissolve. I've been feeling this way all summer, but especially in the past few days because the season is winding down and people are going to school. I feel like a horrible person because sometimes it's easier for me to distance myself from people while they'e still here than to wait for them to be gone. I'm trying to convince myself that when certain people leave again, I'll feel better, I'll be less confused, less tormented... but then I remember that these people aren't doing anything to me. I do it to me. I set myself up for heartbreak and frustration in so many ridiculous ways. I don't know why I do it. Somedays I feel like I don't know enough about me to take care of myself. It makes me want to hide even more. I have a pretty good notion that by the time I'm 30 I'll be a complete hermit. Then I'll be the one M.I.A. So, 9 years and counting to do something to change the world. Wish me luck.

Thanks for this one, John.

Unison

I've been feeling avoidant. I want to be alone and preferably alone in a place where I can turn off the lights and shut the door. I can't imagine this is good, but I'm going to blame it on the fact that I've been alone in my room for 9 days -with the exception of visits from my family, John and Jaime- recovering from the robbing of my tonsils. The world outside my bedroom door just seems to be so big and scary and complicated right now. I sound like I'm headed down the road to Hermitism. (but you know, I thrive best hermit-style. ;)) You know what, though, bad things do happen. To everyone, and to me. I won't go into details, because it's embarrassing. It just seems like there are more and more reasons everyday to barricade my self in and never come out again.