My basement is a terrifying place. Here's why: crickets. I fucking hate crickets and spiders and all their evolved friends (I believe they're called Camel Crickets, but we call them Sprickets, because they're like a mix between spiders and crickets.) Goddamn the arachnid that was first attracted to the long, luxourious legs and music of the cricket. I must now suffer for the political incorrectness. Yesterday, I decided to do laundry for the first time in a few weeks. I get a very full basket and start the fearful decent into our basement- at noon, when the sun is the brightest and the beasts from below are far less likely to be patrolling the floor. I make it to the bottom of the steps and hurredly snap on the lights to the bar room. So far so good. I run across to the laundry room where I quickly flick on those lights and take inventory of the floor. My heart is literally beating wildly at this point and I'm already super jumpy and out of breath. Then I see it. Running from under the dryer, the biggest spider I have ever seen. It's brown and moving more quickly than any bug I have ever seen. I take a few seconds to panic and decide that if I don't do something now, it'll be loose in the laundry room and I'll never ever ever get laundry done again. So I do the only logical thing at the time- I throw my laundry basket on top of it. So, I'm bent over, holding the bottom of my laundry basket over a spider that I'm not even sure is there and suddeny I have a horrible thought! The bottom of the basket is concave! What if it gets out from under and crawls up onto me!? WIthout even giving it a second thought I jump into my laundry basket like a crazy person and start jumping , trying to smash the spider under me. Once I'm pretty sure it's dead, I hi-tail it out of there so quickly, I think I leave a trail of smoke. Dead spider, heart attack and still no clean laundry. I finally get up the courage to mosey back down there, and I really want my Dad around to lift up the basket and check out the situation. It's then that I look around the basement and realize that a lot of things are missing and that there are boxes on the floor, half packed. I'm 21, but I still need a Dad. The thought stops me dead in my tracks. I can't decide if what he's doing is enough to cancel out the fact that he's not going to be around anymore. I can't decide if I'm going to miss him.

Oh Dear

So, I didn't think a life like mine could get so wildly out of control. When I say 'life like mine' I mean that there isn't much different or special about me that could ever possibly set me apart from anything else. Still everything is upside down, and I mean everything. My family life, My love life (yes, I actually have one for once), my school life...Everything is just so weird. I'm clinging desperately to the things that are going right. Wow, See? That's what I mean. Adding to the upsidedown-ness is the fact that somethings apparently are fixed by the earthquakes in my life, things I didn't even know were broken. Maybe I was shaken enough to let my guard down (something I do not excel at) and that was enough to allow me to let something wonderful come in- and it did. Odd and wonderful and terrifying. I think that terrifying is the best word to describe my life right now. I haven't been writing much because I'm a little too overwhelmed and clandestine to make any sense. This is my best attempt.

I guess I haven't really posted anything about school yet. I've had a lot of other wonderful, terrifying things happening in my life- so school has been on the mental backburner (which means that I've been focusing my writing attentions on other things and people, and not a daily run down of my classes). I'm at a new school, with an actual major. Yes, that's right. For the first time in my life, at 21, I have a concrete study plan and actual goals. God bless indecision. I'm only taking three classes, which at first freaked me out- but let me tell you how glad I am that I didn't take 5 as I had planned. Very glad. While my classes aren't particularly difficult (yet), I'm figuring out that now I actually have to learn from my professors. Imagine that! My three classes are Math (yes, again), ASL 1 and The History and Culture of Deaf Issues. I love them. Math is okay, because it's a major for liberal arts majors and my professor is not unreminiscent of Rodney Dangerfield. He didn't show up today, which is why I have time to blog before burying myself in the library for two hours so I can catch up on ASL video work. ASL1 is great. I'm actually very glasd I got placed in 1 and not 2. I tend to hop right to the higher level stuff and miss on the basics, so this is a very humbling and good thing for me. I'm already learning so much. Deaf Issues is interesting, but it's going to be a lot of writing and research work. I'm okay with that. It's important to learn in my field. So, yeah. That's my school schedule in a nutshell. So far I'm really enjoying myself. It takes a little bit of work for me to get excited about coming, but once I'm here I always feel good about it. Now, off to the library...

Secret and Safe

I can't really write about all the things I want. Exposed by everyday light, wonderful things shrivel and die. They become complicated and messy. In original, gutteral forms things are simple and occassionally beautiful. So, this time I'm going to keep it to myself; secret and safe.

Girl Inform me

Girl inform me all my senses warn me
Your clever eyes could easily disguise
Some backwards purpose
It's enough to make me nervous. Do you harbor sighs, or spit in my eye
But your lips when we speak Are the valleys and peaks of a mountain range on fire.
So let me walk these coals till you believe I can cut the mustard well enough
Cause you know as soon as breathe we scrutinize

Unknown quotients, you must be using potions
How else could you tie my head to the sky
This new convection has left me wondering why
I can't concern myself with ordinary tripe.

Like what's this morning's paper got to say
And which brand of coffee to make
This is no umbrella to take into the wind
And before we begin is there nothing to kill this anxiety.

But your lips when we speak
Are the valleys and peaks of a mountain range on fire.
So let me walk these coals till you believe
I can cut the mustard well enough
Cause you know as soon as breathe we scrutinize
The paint away.