Genius

I just finished today's webcrossword.com puzzle in 25:25 with no help.

I am a genius.
(or a lucky mediocre-smart person)

You'll never read this/ Sorry In General

Why do we carry around the pain of our childhood/adolescence with us? Why is it so hard to let these things go?

okay, stop being vague. Someone I used to know requested my friendship on myspace a number of months to go. This person and I were very close, i sobbed like a baby and became extremely depressed when she moved away. I'm still being vague. Her name is Jesse. We were friends through our church, NAC, with a bunch of other people. We were all really close. Me, Jesse, Jessie, Grace, Josh, Josh and Josh. There was later a lot of bad blood between us and some very un-churchlike behavior and- besides my sister- I am not friends with any of them anymore.
Where was I? Oh, right, Jess moved away. We promised to keep in touch... But, of course and as always, promises made between teenagers to keep in touch no matter what the distance failed us. We stopped communicating completely besides one horrible trip to visit her a year after she moved. Every time she comes into town I hear about it because my Mother and her Mother still go to the same church. But, every time she comes to town she doesn't have time to see me. She doesn't even make the effort. Whatever, right? Life goes on. Until she found me on myspace.

I don't know why she did it... I don't know why we decided to hook up there. Because, really, what is myspace? Sure, it's a way to keep in touch with the people you actually speak to, but it's also a way to flaunt what you're doing to people you don't really keep in touch with. However, for me, it's a way to bring back a thousand terrible childhood memories- which is what it's done today. Jesse was in town in August. I sent her a myspace message and a text-both ignored- which didn't surprise me at all.... so I forgot about it. I have my own friends, job, school, life now and I AM capable of holding onto friends, despite the gap between my church clique and myself. I have to reassure myself that what happened with them was not my fault. And since none of them give 2 shits about me and will ever read my blog- I can say it. It was their fault. They made a wrong, hurtful decision and executed it in a painful- holier- than- thou way, but it was all in Jesus' name. Looking back on it now, it probably meant nothing to them, because I meant nothing to them.

So, I guess the bottom line is I got my heart ripped out by my "friends". These were people I tried so hard to be like. These were people I wanted to like me SO much that I feigned belief and ignorance and innocence and basically changed myself to be their friend. This is something I do not believe I have done before or since. But all the time I was pretending, I still thought I was coming up short. Even my pretend-self I was always found wanting in their judging eyes and the eyes of their parents and our pastors and everyone around me. I couldn't cut it. I thought I was unique in this, I thought it was just me who was stained and didn't fit it. But now I realize something- they were all just as fucked up as me. They weren't pristine or holy anymore than I was, they were just better at hiding it. They were better at lying and they were better at playing the innocent and crying during worship and praising God and "leading people to be saved". I wonder, does that mean I was the 'better' church-goer? Because I was worse at faking it?

Regardless... Jesse came to town. She has pictures on her myspace of the week she was here. Tell me why a picture of her and the Joshes with the caption "(Some of the old NAC crew (the cool ones :)sshh )" Just absolutely broke my heart. The only people missing are me and my sister. We're the ones that weren't cool. And even after all these years, that rejection is killing me right now. That rejection feels as fresh as it did the day we all stopped being friends. But Why? Why do I still crave their acceptance a little bit? Why does it bother me that they go out and probably laugh about me? WHY DO I CARE!? Is there a way to just take this part of my life away? Any of the good memories given to me by these people has been completely erased by the bad memories anyway. I don't want them anymore.

So I ask again...
Why do we carry around the pain of our childhood/adolescence with us?
Why is it so hard to let these things go?


If I had the balls and the desire to be gossipped about, this is what I would say...

"Just wanted to say bye... although I guess this could have been done 7 years ago and we'd still have the same amount of history. I'm sorry I'm not worth a phone call, e-mail or even a myspace message. I'm sorry that I wasn't one of the "cool ones" at NAC. I'm sorry that I've never really been good enough for any of you, but most of all I'm sorry that I tried so hard to be. Hard enough to damage myself enough to be upset by a picture on your myspace close to a decade later. So, that's it. I'm sorry in general. "

Potty Like A Rockstar

I can pee. Just thought I'd let you all know. I can pee and it's not painful, or urgent or rust-colored. Can I get 3 cheers?

Hip-hip bidet!

Hip-hip bidet!

Hip-hip bidet!

The rules

This is how it works,
you're young until you're not
You love until you're done
you try until you can't
you laugh until you cry
you cry until you laugh
and everyone must breathe until their dying breath.

Sick and Sad

Todays primary moods are sick and sad. I should not have come to work today. I found out on tuesday that I have an infection in my bladder/kidneys.... and besides peeing my pants a little bit it wasn't bothering me. However, now that I'm taking medicine to fix these infections, I feel disgusting. I'm shaky and tired and emotional and just feel like general poo. Anyway, that's my day in a nutshell.

Watermelon Wine

My Uncle Staley died today. From what I understand he fell down his stairs and broke his back. The hospital sent him home last week. He died today. I don't know all the details. It's really upsetting, he was a good guy. It's funny how you don't realize what you miss about people until it is literally too late to ever tell them or experience them again.

Some things I'll never forget:

Uncle Staley letting Grace and I bring our new kitten to his house for the day because he KNEW we didn't want to be without him.

Playing on his deck and by the stream behind his house. And how he used to let us use his hammock as a toy.

How he used to always go to auto auctions and buy cars for fun.

How he used to always not only cook something for us every time we came over, but then insisit we sit and eat and have dessert and coffee with him.

How one time he found a picture of a man jogging on the front page of the newspaper that looked exactly like him, so he duct taped over the name and left it out for Grace and I to find. and we believed it was him, despite the obvious hiding on the name.

and last but certainly not least....

"Watermelon Wine!!"

He will be missed.

Just keep swimming!

It's a Saturday. I am at work. I've been here for a little over 3 hours and more than half of that time has been spent playsing boomshine, doing a crossword puzzle and sticking tape to my face to see what comes off. I'm not really sure if this is worth the overtime... I just keep thinking "Save Money for London. London, London, London".... and maybe a facial.

a little too similar for me....

The new lexus is-f
the old saturn ION

Pic of the day

Murray "alligator eyes" Wachter.

(and although I say "pic of the day", we all know I mean "pic of whenever I feel like it", right?)

Today

...was a long day. I had a 4 hour meeting and the another meeting over lunch. It was fun though, I got to dress up and act like a full adult for a day. So sad. I should feel grown by now, shouldn't I? Apparently I need heels and slacks to make me feel older than 17. But that's another story, and one that I cannot tackle at 9am when I'm due at the gym at 6am.

I'm trying to post more regularly. I always write more in the fall and winter. It makes me feel better. I like having words to back up whatever I happen to be feeling. (Today I'm feeling very lovey, by the way. In the past 5 minutes I've had these thoughts: I want to take John out for ice cream, I want to cuddle Jaime, I want my dog by my side at all times and I want to sweep tegan quinn off her feet... some of those conflict.) I never go back and read my own blog. Is that weird? Maybe I'll try to do that soon. See how emo and ridiculous I sound with 2 years perspective on myself.

Anyway. I'm about to head to bed. Happy Thursday Night. I love all of you.

Ginger update

Just realized the last pictures of her on here were from over a year ago. That's my dog! All 35 lbs of her!

My ASL video- injury

My e-mail won't send this video for some reason, so it's posted here for my teacher to view if necessary.
So, if it comes to this- Hi Nancy! :)

oh and hi Kate, the only other person who reads my blog :)

Guilt, I banish thee... hey, where are you??

I am always in the middle, because I put myself there. I think I'm more powerful than I am, so I try to fix things- sometimes before they are even an issue- and end up making them hella worse... Why do I do this? Why do I constantly feel guilty about things that have NOTHING to do with me? Guilt is a topic that's been coming up a lot lately in my world. To me, guilt is this nagging feeling to say something, to do something, to try to make things right or better. Guilt has a different look every time , so it's hard for me to put my finger on it until it's too late. To break through the guilt, I have to do whatever it's nagging me to do. Apologize, even if you don't think you're wrong. Guilt is a smooth-talker and it whispers to me all the time- Offer yourself, even if you don't think you really should. Fix things, even if you're not involved. Make everyone around you feel better. And I fail, or I get used or hurt or put myself in a position where I'm stirring shit up that I have no business in. Then I just feel sad. And Sad usually has the same sour, panicky, blue persona. and that I can deal with. Guilt and it's ever changing interface, it's never ending shape shifting, it's ability to show up anywhere, I can't handle. Anyway, my point is I'm sad because I can't identify guilt and banish it, so I fall through another level of feeling, usually landing right on the weakest part of me at the moment. Can't these fucking emotions carry ID badges?

Potty break!!!!

What does it mean when you have to pee every, oh, 20 minutes? Because I do. and I can't hold it. Anyone have a clue?

In other news, my car company debited my car payment twice.... which means all of my other bills are going to overdraw my account. People at work don't do what they're suppossed to do, and then act like I'm a crazy bitch for requesting that they do it right. There is something in the water here that turns normal people in Toyotamonsters.

Mom has pneumonia. Girlfriend is sick, too. Midterm was postponed again. I have to pee right this second.

icky day.

Oh, and another thing...

I have a quiz for you all....

How do you pronounce the word "appalachian"

(a) apple-aye-shin
(b) apple-ach- in

Let me give you a hint! The answer is a unless you live in Kentucky or you're Amberlee or Jaime!!

Monday Monday Monday...

I don't really have too much to write today besides that fact that, medically, I am falling apart. I can't stop peeing, I can't stay awake and my eye began bleeding for no apparent reason today. I might just go home after my midterm and sleep the evening away.



Hugs & bloody eyes to everyone.