Everlong

Everything I think is wrong. I hear and see what I want to believe. This inevitably ends up hurting me in the end. Worse, it hurts me way before the end so I have to lick my wounds and bandage myself up before the finish line. I don't think I've ever hit a finish line. I have found things that make me feel better, but they are a temporary and detrimental soothe. It's a viscious cycle and soon I may run out of canvas.

Mapping It Out

There are people in my life right now whom I absolutely adore spending time with. Some seem to have come out of nowhere- I can't trace the steps that made them this special. I can't pinpoint the moment that they went from being just another person, to being someone I literally can't survive without. The progression of human relationships is an incredibly odd and wonderful phenomenon. I've just been thinking about this lately. I've been wondering how these things map out. I want to meet someone new and try to imagine where we'll be in a year or two. Creating a map of relationship, the certain steps taken to get where we go. I promise that I'll be wrong, but wouldn't it be an amazing experiment?

gash

I made a CD for someone I consider a friend. I titled it, decorated it, and then carefully used a razor blade to make deep gashes in the track side. I don't know why I did this, but it finally feels finished. I feel a little bit like I'm walking dead. I want to say that I'm sad. I want to say that I'm angry. In reality, I am neither of these things. Right now I just am. I want to write about things that I keep secret even from myself. I have been obsessively slicing away at my thoughts until there isn't anything left to make sense. Do I do this to myself? I can't help thinking that if I could just give myself a break, things would be easier. Even with my resolve, it's too easy to pick myself apart when I'm left alone. My mind is never, ever quiet.

stuck and pinned

As I was driving home at 2am, all i could think about was this horrible pin I saw on an old lady one time. It was a thumb, and you could turn it up or down. When the thumb was down it said "It's a bad day", and when it was up it said "It's a good day."I want one of these indictors for my life. I want something real and finite that says "I'm Jamie. I'm 20 years old and it's a ____ day." I think it would help me know how to act and who to be.

Summer

Summer is stretching out before me. It looks like relief. I'm already feeling better in general, meaning I'm a little less stressed out and a little bit happier. Whether this is a result of the weather, the ending of the semester, or various other changes in my life, I don't know. For the moment, I can breathe.

I've been thinking about my wants and needs. I wonder if those two categories are so close, that I sometimes forget that they aren't the same. The things I need are different from the things I want, why is this so difficult to remember and put into practice? If anyone knows what I'm trying- unsuccessfully- to say, please let me know.

You took me there so you'd know where to look for me.

There is a house on Ritchie Highway. Alone, the house is nestled between a used car lot and a 7-Eleven. I’ve been driving this road my whole life and never noticed. I imagine the inside to be dark and lonely. The floor will be cool and hard. I will lie there and cease to exist. People who may have loved me at one time will pass this house. They won’t see it. They will know neither that I am gone nor that I barely exist behind these walls. In the middle of everything, the house and I will evaporate into something smaller than memories or history, more tiny than being forgotten. It is the core of the suburban heart, yet it is done. Being forgotten is not the same as disappearing. I wish it were. I want to go to this place. I belong there. I want nothing more than to fade to dust and stay where I’m needed, where there are no tests of any kind. Therefore, there are no results. Undisturbed. There’s no one to care or demand or break my heart. There’s no one at all. It seems only natural. I don’t want to fail anymore. I will vanish where there is no sun. I have exceeded my capacity.

This is the end.

I walked out of my math class today. After writing a little note to my professor ony my test that basically said "Fine, you fucking win.",I just walked right out. I don't feel too bad about it, at least not any worse than I feel about everything else. I don't really feel like talking about anything else. This entry is pretty pointless, but isn't everything?

RadioActiveFishStick

I just got home from my westward excursion. So yeah, despite the fact that no one from home noticed I was gone, it was a very fun weekend. It was so good to see Tekoa and I had an amazing amount of fun with Jaime. Hahahaha, I wish i had about 90% of this weekend on tape because there were some real winning moments (see title of blog) . I got to Tekoa's around 3pm on friday and we hung out for awhile. Then we went to the new Walmart, in true FSU spirit. Seriously the biggest Walmart I have ever seen. A little intimidating, hahaha- and I'm not kidding. About 40 people almost slammed into us with shopping carts, but I got the stuff I needed for the weekend- because I had forgotten things like toothpaste, soap, shampoo, and tweezers. God knows I can't go 3 days without tweezers. Anyway, after that we went to the mall. I accidentally stole a belt from DEB and felt like a complete douche when I took it back. How do you explain that you "accidentally" stole something? In anycase, we went back to Tekoa's room, watched The Dark Crystal, Practical Magic and The L Word. I fell asleep during the first episode of The L Word which was about 1230am. oops. Thank God Tekoa loves me unconditionally, even when I am no fun! I also didn't make it back to see her today because I am a douche and left at just the right time to hit FSU while she was in class and hit The Beltway right at rush hour. Score! Despite the bad timing and traffic, I still made it back here around 5, because I speed like a demon. I should work on that. Anyway, moving right along; got to Jaime's apartment at 3pmish on Saturday. Went to a picnic for Radio, toured the CAC- which was really neat, and then went to Amberlee's for a videogame party. Next we went to an art and rock show at a place called 123 and then went back to Amberlee's, played games and hung around until everyone left. Jaime, Amberlee and I stayed up until about 430am playing Mariokart. I won exactly 0 of these games, but it was still a blast. Amberlee is so sweet. She made me a really cute necklace. Amberlee, if you ever make it here, thanks and hello! Okay. This is getting tedious. Sunday night I went to Jaime's radio show with her, she's really good! I enjoyed it. I got to write a little bit, but nothing that I think I'll work on more. You win some you lose some. After radio, back to Amberlee's for more videogames and a satanic cat (not really, the cat was actually really nice, just misunderstood and a little tortured). We stayed at Amberlee's until about 2, and then went back to jaime's apartment where we talked until about 5am. I got to see hilarious pictures, but to protect the wonderful, I won't say any more about those. :) This morning (and by morning I mean 1pm) we went to Bob Evans and then I came home. It was a really fun weekend, and I'm really really glad I went. Thanks Jaime, I had a blast. :) You're so great.