Cool

last night kate and I drove into DC to see Carbonleaf. I have to say, I was very impressed. The lead singer has a real stage presence about him. I really really enjoyed the show. Kate's cool. She introduces me to new things. Carbonleaf, The Decemberists... cheerleading...

Working

I'm working on being a nicer person lately. I'm working on not letting things bother me. I'm trying to be a good friend.

It's not easy.

Bleeding tounge

Right now I have that tight, hurting feeling in my stomach. A little queasy, and very uncomfortable. Here's why- I'm not a very good friend. The worst part is, that I don't do it on purpose. I don't know how to stop what I'm doing. I can't control things. I feel like I don't have enough information to make the right decisions. However, what information I do have, I want to share. I want to help... but sometimes I'm not sure if anything I do is right, good, or honest. Something was said to me a few minutes ago that made me want to rip my own tounge out. Whether this person was talking because they are hurt and confused, or whether it's because I really am the asshole I feel like, it bothers me. It bothers me that my words seem to offer no comfort. It bothers me that when I say the things that I would want people to say to me, it only seems to irritate and hurt more. I want to be strong. I want to be wise. I want to be impartial. More than anything, I want to be someone completely different from who I am. but how?

Get Out Of Jail Free Pass

So. I wake up this morning and my cell phone's little orange light is going off. Of course, my first thought is that I'm really glad I silenced my phone last night, because otherwise that message would have woken me up. So I'm grumpy and I go to my phone and guess what? It's a text message from my school saying that it's cancelled! I haven't been so excited about a snow day in a lonnnnnng lonnnnng time. It's almost 11 now and I just got out of bed. That right there is a really great feeling. Okay, so I'm being kind of a dork. I'm just happy that I have nothing to do until work tonight. Can I get an Amen?

?

I've been thinking a lot lately. I don't know what I've come up with yet.

Yesterday

Last night I was low enough for that horrible comment to have a real effect on me. I cried from about 12-330am and I was actually believing that any one of my best friends was capeble of being so mean and hurtful. Last night I believed everything that person said about me. Like I said, I was low enough for it to do damange. but that was yesterday. I have the most incredible network of friends. Sometimes I forget how amazing they are. Tekoa, Rachel, John, Grace, Jaime, Jeremy- I'm really really lucky. . Whether you're a couple of states away or a couple of feet.Whether we've known eachother since birth or just from acting class- I appreciate you standing up for me. I doubt that many people in the world know 1 truly good person. I know at least 6. (oh, and sorry I'm such a spaz sometimes...) Love.

I had a bad day. Not in the way of things happening to me, but more in the way of how I feel. Everything is insurmoutable. I haven't been this upset in a long time. At one point I opened the back door at work, sat down and cried. I didn't know what else to do. Sometimes I just feel so shitty. The worst part might be that I don't feel like anyone cares. I want someone to hug me and tell me everything is going to be okay, that it's okay to feel shitty sometimes, I want someone to ask what's wrong and then be okay with the fact that I don't have an answer.
I want someone to just let me cry for a while. All I need is a little bit of strength and stability to counteract everything I am today.

Not that anyone understands a word I say...

Like a shadow on the ground
In odd sun you see me
I slink and wabble
I am wet air on pavement
stepped around and on
at sole's level
I could dissapear
melt into rock and dirt.
No patterned wind left for me or us
I will turn solid and sink
morning does come
I will not surface.

Fishy

I have two fish. The first is a goldfish named Tadzio; named for a lyric in a Rufus Wainwright song. I bought him (I think) 3 years ago on Valentine's day. He was born of loneliness and frusteration, therefore he will live forever. The second is a Betta named Sushi. I acquired Sushi from a coworker who's cat was slowly devouring all of her other pets. Apparently the cat would drink down the water in the bowl until it was low enough for him to swipe the fish out. He ate Sushi's friend, a mouse and a hampster or two, I believe. In any case, he was given to me and I'm very happy to have him. Sometimes when I feed them I say things like "Good morning sweetie!" or "Hello Baby, how are you?" This leads me to believe that even though I don't really want one, I need some type of significant other.

Operator?

Sometimes I feel disconnected. Tonight I feel disconnected, as though I don't really have a place to belong. I feel this way sometimes. The thrilling part is that it just comes, and that there's no cause and no warning. It just runs me over. I try to reach out, but I feel so stupid. What, really, is my problem on days like today? "I just need to feel like someone loves me." Yeah, something's up- but I couldn't tell you what. I don't know how I can be so high and then so low in the same week. There are times when I feel loved and needed and like I'm special. Then, quicker than I can recognize it, I'm useless again. Why is it so hard to remember how to feel good?

WHAT did you say!?

So, I'm deaf. I can hear nothing at all out of my left ear. Until about 330 today it was both ears. However, at the aforementioned time- at work no less- my right ear popped. It was a little painful, so I exclaimed "MY EAR POPPED!!!!" and then immediately followed it up with "It sounds like a goddamn subway in here!" Thank God Rachel was there, because she's the only one who can follow my intensely esoteric NCHS/Neil Simon references. I love her. (even when she invites me out on her dates)

Today was pretty average. I don't know why I even feel the need to post about it. It was easy for people at work to sneak up on me, so I kept getting the crap scared out of me when I was sitting in the back working on tips. Oh! Speaking of being scared- Kate is an asshole. Yeah, i said it. She sent me this really horrible website that promises to be creepy and actually ends up being terrifying. I'm so glad I didn't watch it last night when she sent it to me, because I never would have slept. It's the kind of thing that makes you get really close to the screen to see what's going on and then SMACKS YOU WITH THE TERROR. Grace and I just watched it. We both screamed and then Grace cried for about 20 minutes. (I know that this doesn't mean much to some of you, because Grace is also scared to the point of tears of A certain Bjork song, but I promise- the website is terrible.) So yeah. Kate= Asshole. I'm going to fire her tomorrow.

Oh, just kidding. But not about being deaf.

Sister, Sister.

My sister is maddening. Completely. There are point when we can't even talk. For example; my phone vibrates, I answer... "hello?" "Jamie, are you online?" "Yes." "At home?" "...yes." "Are you at home?" "Yes." "So you're at home online?" "GRACE! WHAT DO YOU WANT!?" I hang up from these phone calls completely and totally frusterated and annoyed. I love my sister SOOOOO MUCH, but I really feel like we speak two totally different languages. God!

I'm okay ( I mean it)

What does it take to make you feel loved? I feel loved most when I feel needed. I feel loved, also, when I get a call, an IM, a text message or an e-mail from someone; just because I'm on their mind. It's special to be someone's shoulder to cry on, someone's confidant, someone's best friend. It's real knowing that someone's thinking about you when you aren't in their direct line of vision, when you aren't even in their state. Especially when you've been thinking of them, too. Today I feel loved; as though I'm an integral part of someone's day, and things wouldn't be the same if I weren't here. I feel unique and neccessary, which is not very normal for me (espcially not on February 14th) Right now, on this stupid day when everyone has to have someone and it's "hard" for those of us who don't, I feel okay. It's tricky and it comes in a lot of different forms, but I have love.

Bitchin'!

I feel like there are random bitches strewn all around my life. In my family, in my coworkers, in my friends, in classmates and especially in customers. I feel like I am constantly being bugged and nagged and talked down to and underestimated. I hate everything about it. I feel as though I am never asked anything, I'm only ordered around and told and treated like a vessle for people to get what they want with no gratitude or recognition. Now, I'm not talking gratitude like an award or anything like that. I'm talking gratitude in the smallest displays of decent behavior. What I want more than anything in the world is for customers to say "hello" when I say hi to them. I do believe that if we could fix everything in the universe if we started with this. All else would fall into place. I used to wonder how murders ever happenned? How did people ever get to the point where they could take another's life? The answer is clear to me now, Work Retail. God, Why is everyone such a bitch?

Seriously?

It's a yeti! Nope, it's me in 11th grade. Who remembers this? and why did they let me get away with it?

Noteworthy

I think I worked out most of my kinks in art today. I shook off the rust, which is good, because I haven't drawn all break.How's that for dedication? I left school feeling pretty good and then! I had the cutest note on my windshield and it made me very happy. I love stuff like that, love love love it. (So thanks, you.) I love feeling like I'm noteworthy.

Pointless.

I'm in Intro to info tech. It's been 4 minutes. I'm about to keel over. School... what is the point?

For what it's worth, I'm sorry.

So, I had a very mini-fight with a friend tonight. Okay, it wasn't even a mini-fight. It was a random spot of frusteration. They're not always horrible, although (on my end) they feel horrible. Here's how it goes. Occassionally, I talk without thinking at all. When I do this, especially in an instance when I'm giving advice or trying to help, I come off as being really bossy and know-it-all-y. So I say something and then WHAM! It's an argument, quicker than I can ever imagine! and tonight when I tried to walk away from it I got a comment that went something like this "Dont' walk away from me." So I went back and this is what I got "You always walk away when I'm talking to you!" I asked if they were finished talking and then I lit out of there like a bat out of hell. (mind you, this whole thing took about 30 seconds.) Of course I get into my car a little irritated, a lot self-righteous and thinking how much of a total asshole this person can be, right? However, upon closer inspection I realize that, um, I overreact. Not just externally, but internally. I feel absolutely like death when I have any kind of disagreement with certain people. Also, I think a lot of the reason I don't fight well (or I fight too well, depending on how you look at it) is because I've been raised on fighting with my Dad about everything. Literally. We've fought from the time I was 11 until this very day. So when someone irks me and then gives me a typical, controlling, parental phrase, I go fucking insane and act like superbitch over something inconsequential. This person doesn't generally take my shit and tonight wasn't really an exception. But honestly, it started out innocently enough. I'm starting to see patterns in myself. Like, this tendency I have to express emotions meant for my Father onto anyone who's close and pissing me off at the second. But here's the truth, I get offended easily, I walk away from things, and I don't always choose my words carefully. I fight fight fight when there's nothing to fight for. But when there is something to fight for, I step back. Let someone else handle the big boys, right? I'm a coward. However, I'm lucky for 2 reasons; I have friends that love me even when I act completely ridiculous and I'm starting to realize these things about myself so that I can work on them. In this weird life-long quest to find ourselves, one cannot avoid repetition. Is it possible that all growing up is is recognizing, for better or worse, our patterns?

oh dear.

I have today completely off as far as work and school are concerned. Yet, I've made myself such a long list of things to do that it's humanly impossible that I complete them. Why do I do this to myself? And, you see, because I know I won't get through everything I throw some landry in the washing machine, get online and say "fuck it". I can attempt and fail, or I can NOT attempt and fail. So why waste my time? It makes sense, riiiggghhhht? but wait, but wait! Why am I bitching!? I made the list in the first place.

Please, who didn't already know this?

Which Golden Girl Are You?

Holier Than Thou

Practice what you preach, and be aware of how your actions affect others. Also, stop being such a high-and-mighty bitch. Ever wanted to say that to someone? yeah, me too.

I Fail!

It was a pretty good day. Work was okay. Slow, and John and I had a jolly good time laughing over the green apron stories. By the way- has anyone ever heard the phrase "top notch timber!" to describe people? Yeah, me neither. Not unless you're Paul Bunyan. Came home, cleaned both Tadzio and Sushi's bowls. Like I said, it was a pretty good day... untilllllll.... 2/10 on my math quiz!!! (which is better than the 1/10 I got on the first one- no joke.) I bet you're thinking that's a typo- but oh no! 20%, people. Literally, I should have closed my eyes and typed random numbers for all the answers. I think my odds are better that way. I have a math aptitude of, like, -3. Let me explain why this is such a big deal.... if I do not pass this math class, I do not take bio next semester and I do not graduate from AACC in a timely fashion. Staying at AACC for another year= suicide. So. I'd better pass math. However, I'm running out of ideas. I study, I fail. I don't study, I fail. I spend 2 hours on a quiz or 10 minutes on a quiz- I FAIL! F! No Good! NEXT! I fucking hate math.

Big crazy foot AKA Tekoa.

Tekoa's shoe. My shoe. I'd like to add also that my shoes are from prom, I wore them a grand total of maybe 5 hours. Tekoa's shoes are everyday, runofthemill shoes for her. For instance, when this pictures was taken (last night) she was just hanging out at my house. Insane.

Queer Valentine!

ooooh la la. Rufus Wainwright is the man.

Sleeplessness and Bad Dreams

Why can't I sleep? I'm tired all the time, but once I get into bed I can't stay asleep long enough and I'm constantly waking. In the event that I do sleep fora long time, I wake up feeling like I haven't slept at all. Anyone? Last night I had horrible dreams. Like, really bad dreams that made me very upset. Does anyone else have dreams that stick with them all day? Ugh. They weren't really nightmares in the technical sense of the word, just horrible situations and a desperate feeling that no one cared about me. And one of them, I would wake up, think of how much like shit I felt and how upset I was, go back to sleep and basically continue that dream. Gross. Nighttime experiments in depression. Maybe I could trick John and Tekoa into taking turns sitting by my bed while I sleep. and driving me to work. and taking me to school. oooooh, I'm going to become rich so I can literally pay them both to do nothing else but hang out with me. We can call them "personal assistants" or something, but really they'll just be being paid for being their wonderful, incredible selves. As much as I joke, John and Tekoa are fabulous. I don't know how else to put it besides this- I love them both very much.

In Stitches. (no, literally)

By Kate's popular demand... introducing, my stitches! (I'm pleased to say that they've all come out now. )

Thumb!

My Dad's Thumb. I thought it was worth showing, although he acted like I was the biggest freak in the world for wanting to take a picture of it. haha.

You can't reason with her

About once a month I am blindsidedly reminded of why it's a bad idea for me to go to dinner with my parents. I am constantly concerned with what they're thinking about me- but when they try to tell me what they're thinking about me, I refuse to hear them. I have yet to figure out if this is my problems or theirs, but everytime I am around them I become an even more ultra-sensitive version of my former self. What I say, my hairstyle, my opinions and beliefs all become vulnerable point. If I hear the words "Where's your sense of humor!?" from my Dad or "Jamie, everyone is like that." from my Mom again, I might explode. How's this- some things just aren't funny and some things are unique to certain people. I consider myself unique (in some respects, anyway) and I think I have a damn good sense of humor- I'm just cautious about for whom I am performing. I am not particularly warm to the idea of "being me" for people who hold my personality captive for the next argument we have, so they can crush it between their fingers and make me feel invisible. I was watching a movie called "Bang, Bang, You're Dead" earlier. A girl in the movie wanted to be in a play father didn't want her to be in. After about 30 seconds of arguing the Father walks away and says "You can't reason with her!" I felt those lines like someone has sharpened them and stuck them into my flesh. The interesting thing is that this was one of the better dinners with Mom and Dad.

I guess you're just what I needed.

Tekoa came home for the weekend. Thank God. We finally got sushi. I finally saw "The Phantom of The Opera" (It was phenomenal). I miss her when she's gone. I've been in a funk, and it helps when she's around. We were discussing this last night- the need to be alone. Or, in our cases, either alone or with people we feel totally comfortable with. I guess it's downtime? I don't know, just that no-pressure atmosphere. There are very few people in my life that do not cause some sort of social anxiety in me. Very few. I'm trying to figure myself out lately. I'm afriad that something will come out of me when I don't expect it. Funny, but if I knew how I would reaact to a certain situation, I don't think I'd be afraid of anything. It's my own inconsistencies and irrationalities that hold me back. Maybe the thing that scares me the most is, in fact, me.

I'd rather write

Today I had my first art class of the semester. Although I had mixed feelings, I think it's going to be okay. I do not possess half the talent of the rest of the people in my class, but I still think it's going to be okay. My trepidation is almost clear. "An artist who aspires to perfection in everything, acheives it in nothing." Ouch. But it's true. I have to let go of my little mistakes in art. I have to be happy with what I'm doing, because if I don't, I will drive myself crazy. I did more erasing than drawing the first 3 weeks of drawing I. Let the little things go- it makes better art. Someone once said "In art, there are no mistakes. It's just you." I believe it now. It's just hard to put 'you' on the page sometimes. Especially when someone else is in the room who you do NOT want to know you. Now, I don't even pretend to be an artist- especially not visually- but I do find comfort in expressing myself. I've tried different arts. I've taken piano lessons and voice lessons and acting lessons and drawing lessons. I've been in plays and recitcles. I've auditioned and performed and on and on and on. For me, though, I always go back to words. I'd rather write. It's my tool of choice for expression. Don't get me wrong, I like to draw, it has it's own meaning and it's own feelings. It's new and I enjoy learning. Acting is something I've been doing for a long time, and I think I'll always love it. Music is music, who doesn't love it? But with words, when I write, I feel like I can create anything I want. and I do.

Timely Demise

Why is it that in the neverending struggle between reason and emotion, reason rarely prevails? Recently I find myself pitting what I know is true against what could possibly be true. My imagination stretches. My insecurities are running wild. At times during the day I can hardly hold myself together. I feel utterly alone. I don't know how to make others understand how I feel, and I don't believe they care anyway. It's like this- once you've been down, down enough to believe you'll never be up again, it's so easy to remember what that feels like. It's so terrifying to know that you could be face flat on the ground all over again without knowing how or why you got there, because you never know how you've gotten there. I feel like I'm pinned and falling at the same time, and all my struggling is useless; As though I create the waves that will ultimately cause my demise.

I've been thinking lately about a lot of things that have been told to me over my 20 years. At some point I think everyone goes against those things; those cautionary tales and warnings, to know find themselves. Sometimes it doesn't work and you either crawl back to those people who are handing out warnings, or you do something else. But if it works-if you go against everyone and succeed- how do you when to stop? I have rebelled and it has worked for me, but now I have unlearned how to conform. How do you know when the best thing for you is to stop fighting?

Stupid!!!

I recently had to complete an assignment for Intro. to Information Technologies about how blogs are basically worthless and how they are an example of bad technology. Bad Technology? That is such Republican rot. And excuse me! If I think I have something worthwhile to say, let me say it and don't click on my goddamn link. Right? Who's loosing here? Who's really loosing if I babble on for a million pages of internet space? That's right, no one! These are the same people who elected George Bush again, I promise. However, now one of my grades is based on whether or not I can back up the fact that there is such a thing as "bad technology". God Bless America. It's a little late and I've kept myself awake all day so I'd have a slim chance of falling asleep tonight. Now it's time to take that chance.

Hurting, home and pensive.

Today I decided to skip school, which is completely out of character. It seemed like a good idea at 645am, but now at 1051am I'm bored. I'm bored and my mouth hurts. For some reason I've decided to write in this blog. Maybe if I write enough something worthwhile will fall out of me like magic. I have no idea how these things work, so I don't know if anyone will even read this blog. Do people even read these things?

I'm watching a movie about different families celebrating Thanksgiving. One family has a daughter who is dating another woman, one family has a daughter who is dating an older, Vietnamese man, one family has parents that hate eachother. Here's the thing, they don't say anything to anyone face to face. They wait until someone leaves the room and then they blab about who should and shouldn't be having their Thanksgiving with them. (No one is drinking yet, though. I'm sure once people sart drinking they'll be more upfront about things.) Anyway, my point here is- How do you we what kind of families we have? For all the planning we can do, all the speculation, we have no idea how our families will reaact to particular news. The kicker is, though, once it's out there, it's out there. There's no turning back.

Making adult decisions is tracherous because often they go against your familial plans, beliefs and , most often, both. It's like being trapped, but who is doing the trapping? Our whole lives we're told in one way or another "Don't worry so much what people think of you!" but, in response to that, we begin to worry about what the people who are saying it think of us. Why? Becuase if you don't care what anyone thinks of you, you will find yourself completely alone. and who wants that?