There's a log in my eye!

I can't be on good terms with all of my friends at the same time. This is a problem I have had for as long as I can remember, and it's probably my own doing. In the same way I want and sometimes expect my friends to be completely accessible to me , the people who I am atttracted to as friends are the same way. I understand this. Sometimes I demand a little unconditional love, don't we all? Most of us choose to surround ourselves with people who will put up with us when we turn into these versions of ourselves. I don't mind catering, because I know that soon enough it will be my turn and someone will have to cater to me. This is the cycle of friendship. Two problems can arise in this scenario; you have friend who only likes to be catered to (which I have, but that's a whole other story for another blog) OR, and this is the kicker, the catering interferes with another. Stay with me here, I will make a point.

I can't be in two places at once. I can't control what's happening around me, and a lot of times I don't want to. I will not "trade up" friends. I'm usually confident in the friendships I have. I am not unlike others, I do have rocky periods with those close to me. I know that there are at least a few people who really love me. However, lately I've been having a problem where I need to be loved and forgiven even when I can't ask for it... and so does the person I'm not asking. I'd like to sit here and say that everyone should just be forgiving and let things go- but how can I say that when I can't do the same. Who's going to start the cycle? Who'll forgive the speck in their brother's eye and remove the log from their own?

Chasing Light

My friend Rachel has a dog, Dixie. Dixie’s favorite pastimes appear to be eating ice and chasing flashlight beams. Rachel’s explanation for this behavior is that Dixie thinks the ice is food and the light can be caught. It forces me, somewhat painfully, to think about my own choices, what I go after and what I choose to sustain myself with. How much time do I spend chasing light? Pursuing people and positions that are completely unattainable is something I do well and often. I like to blame it on those people who say, “Anything is possible!” they give you a false sense of hope and security. They want you to believe the only reason your world isn’t picture perfect is because you haven’t been shooting for the moon (because apparently even then, when you miss you land among the stars). Well guess what? Not everything is possible. Some things will never happen. I don’t know if this makes me a pessimist or a realist or if these two things are actually one and the same. How much time do we spend attempting impossibility? Unlike Dixie, as humans, very few of us have someone to turn off the flashlight, take away the ice and give us something possible to chase and nutritious to eat, so we don’t kill ourselves on fabrications and fallacies. When will I see that ice will never sustain and light will never be caught? Some of my dreams will eventually be puddles of water and dead batteries . How do I accept this and learn to let it go?

I'd rather beat your kid, but...

The first thing I can think of to write is that, out of everything in the world, the last thing I want to hear is a 16-year old girl talk about oral sex. Have you ever met someone who is so agitating, so annoying that that only way you can imagine standing them is is they are standing in another state, and that state is several states away? Enter Jessica. Curled up on the couch with with her 22 year old boyfriend (Whom I respect and am disgusted by because, respectively, he has the patience to deal with this child and because he dates that same child) she is the epitome of ignorance. I had to leave the room because of her irritating laugh, her homophobia, and her total lack of anything resembling couth or class. I'd like to try and describe her, but words are somehow failing me. She's the kind of person that- no matter what is going on, who is in pain, who's talking, who's at the edge of sanity- she has to be the center of attention. As the center of attention she has to be making someone else feel like they are dumber, uglier, less successful and worse than she is. Possibly the reason why this is so irritating is because she is one of the least intelligent people alive, which makes it hard to argue. Also, everything she says is a loud, screechy yell so whether you're talking about the weather or the presidential election (She says she voted for Bush, by the way. Which is ridiculous if it's true and even more because it's not.. Did I mention she's 16?) it sounds like you're arguing with her. She saw a picture of my best friend online and immediately launched into a bunch of questions about who he was, and if I was having sex with him. When she found out that he's gay it launched into another realm of questions that I was not prepared or willing to answer. I refuse to debate the morality of homosexuality with a 16 year old who's screaming defense in the middle of the night is "It's just gross!"
So I walked away and took a pause to do the dishes and clean the kitchen in my Uncle's cabin because I felt like I had to be alone, I needed the room to be very clean and I really really needed something to do with my hands. Had anyone else been awake at 1230am, they would have said this was Obsessive Compulsive behavior, but I like to think of it as behavior roughly on par with "Hey, at least I'm not beating the shit out of your 16 year old." Id' much rather explain a clean kitchen than a unconscious adolescent bigot, even if the latter is what I'd prefer.

I'm not metaphorically stung

I'm in WV for a few days to visit family and attend The Miller Family Reunion. I capitalize it because it's supossed to be a monumental occassion, but in reality it amounts to a pavillion, a couple thousand dishes of food and a lot of people pretending like this day is the perfect opportunity to a) show off or b) gripe. I get a third catergory, because I try to hide. My Father has tried to make me feel like I should rejoice in this familial occassion because everyone at this picnic loves me and is excited to see me. Bull. As is evidenced by Jerry Fussell (I use his name because I doubt that he will ever make it onto the internet, let alone my website.) He approached my Father, 2 sisters and I and proceeded to speak to us. After a few hugs which were punctuated by "Lisa!" and "Grace!" and a couple "Good to see yous", he turns to me and says "Now who's this?". Minus one, I have been to every family reuinion since 1984. My Father said "My Daughter, Jamie." And Fussell laughed, "You a friend?". My Dad, again, said " No, these are my three daughters." There were a few awkward moments while Fussell, who obviously didn't understand if he was being an unkowing jerk or having a trick played on him, looked at each of us. Finally, he said "Well, I don't remember ever seeing you before, but welcome to the family." Yep. Everyone is really excited to see me, the new-born-21-year-old-Miller. It actually didn't really bother me, because all that had happenned was the vocalizing of what everyone else is thinking as I walk through the sea of coridally smiling faces that don't even bother to turn to their neighbor and ask "Who's that?". They may not bother because they know I'm not one of them, or because they simply don't care. Their disinterest is probably the real reason, but I find it hard to be hurt by this because I don't care either. The bee sting I recieved minutes before the Fussell experience proved to be much more uncomfortable. Silly, really. That's what this family business is, silly.

Right now I'm sitting in my Uncle Jerry's cabin, which I have the good fortune of staying at for the two nights I'm here. I say good fortune not because I don't love my Grandmother or her house, but because when my Uncle Jerry says "Make yourself at home", he means it. He's one of the only people in my family that I actually feel like family around. That sentence will probably only make sense to certain people, but since I can't explain it any better, it will have to stand. I'm sitting in the living room and at any given time I can look through the window in front of me and see between 1 and 3 hummingbirds sucking nectar from the plastic red feeder about 5 feet away. My Father, my Uncle Jerry and a family friend named Jeff are in the backyard building a horseshoe pit (this seems ridiculously fitting) drinking coffee and smoking. My Uncle's girlfriend, Lisa and my sister who is also named Lisa are on the front porch talking. Grace and Seth are watching cartoons and I am doing what I do, documenting and making pointless comparisons and comments. Such is life.

Shoulds and Laters

I should be sleeping. In 5 hours I will be behind Starbucks' counter beggining my long work day. I can't stop thinking though. Lately I've felt as though there are a lot of things I should be doing to protect myself, but I'm doing none of them. I hope that certain feelings will diminish if I stay away from certain people, but I can't find the energy or desire to test this out. I'm stuck, but it's by my own will. I'm just too scared to take the proper steps to ensure my... safety? Maybe I should put myself out there even though I might get hurt. I'm afraid to risk. I'm afraid of so much. Sometimes I feel completely pathetic, like I'm pathetic to the point of loosing my mind. I don't know what to believe from people. My self esteem is severely damaged by people who are supossed to love me. I see them every 6 months and it takes the whole 6 months for me to feel good about myself again once I leave them. Are they honest because they love me? Or are they mean because they don't? So many thoughts keep me awake. Surely none of this is making any sense. If it really isn't, and you're frusterated- imagine how I feel. You're lucky though, because all you have to do to leave my world is click on that little x in the corner. I wish my mind had a little x. It's just not that easy.

Mass

Yep. Posting from Mass. Got here in one piece, even if it is an irritated piece. Blah. I'll post later, right now I'm going to swim and I use the term loosely. Cross your fingers for my safe return to the surface.