Mass- chaos

I'm standing by my Aunt Beth's counter on a laptop that's here to play Christmas music. I wish I was a good enough writer to catalouge the quiet, desperate chaos that always ensues right before the big day. It's crazy. I mean, literally crazy. I don't have much time, there's so much to do... Wow. Why do I sound like I'm writing my final words? hmmm, maybe I am. Wish me luck,

Final-ly.

I just completed my ASL Final Exam. It's my last one for the semester. I'm really not sure how well I did, but I'm pretty confident that I passed all my classes. (I'll update for the people that actually read my blog AND care about my academics...which I'm thinking might be 2 people if I'm lucky.) This semester has been different from the other 7 I've experienced in college, because I actually have a major and I'm proud of what I've accomplished. It's odd to not feel completely objectiveless, and while graduation still seems like a million years away- I have a goal. It feels good. Now, the next task in life is Christmas. Yes, Christmas is a task for me. I have to get my shopping done somehow, even though I work everyday from yesterday right up until Christmas Eve. Hey, at least I don't have a million papers and presentations to put together. Aaah, the "freedom" of winter break.

I wish I had a river I could skate away on...

I want to say everything is good. I'd even settle for everything is okay, but I don't want to lie and I'm so spun around right now that I don't even know if that is a lie. So I'll say this- everything is. I registered for classes yesterday. I signed up for a full schedule, but I think I'm going to drop down to 2 classes, although my Mother's insurance requires 12 credits for me to stay on. I'm completely broke and unenthused about school right now. I love my major, and I love school... I just can't get excited over it. This semester went well, though. I'm expecting really good grades (a B in math!) and I'm hoping to stay in contact with some of the people I've met. This past Friday I saw Miss. Saigon at WVU. It was amazing. I won't bore you with the details, because I know most of my friends are not theater buffs, but I thought it was done very well. I had been looking forward to it for months. I didn't say it out loud, but about 30 minutes before the show started, I actually considered trying to talk Jaime out of going, and I know why. The excitement I felt over getting ready to see the show felt so good that I didn't want to ruin it with the slight chance that I might not enjoy it. Deciding not to go is my choice, going and being let down is out of my control. I know, it doesn't make sense to you. Or to anyone but me, but there it is. It's been harder and harder for me to enjoy things lately. I feel like getting exited over things is just setting myself up for disappointment. I'm aware that a lot of you think I'm a little crazy, and if my Mom reads this she's going to consider signing me up for therapy without my consent, but so many things in life are just a let down. Usually I talk things to death, but I don't want to talk at all anymore. I've metioned this before; right now I just need a little bit of unconditional, even-if-it-isn't-the-best-time-for-me, selfless love. I need someone to renew me, because I'm getting weary of making other people feel good. I don't want to be like this, I don't wnat to be that bitter person- but I'm tired of not being able to depend on people. I'm tired of false promises. I still ache all the time from my Dad leaving. I try to play it off like it doesn't matter, but it's a constant pain. The holidays are coming, and I'm feeling more broken than ever. I know people care about me, it's just getting harder and harder to care about myself. I haven't been writing at all. I'm disappointed by what comes out of me. This post is a prime example, so I will not be going back to read it.