At Your Service

I am going to stay vague so I don't betray the trust or pain of friends. My posts on this blog lately have become very flighty and insubstantial. This past week has kicked me back down to earth. Several losses, the threat of more. I'm sad for my friends who are hurt. I want to help, that's the base of this- I want to help. I don't even know what to say except that I'm so sorry for everyone's losses. Please believe me; if there is anything I can do to help, I'll do it. Sometimes I wish I could trade myself in. It's late. I'm tired and vicariously sad. If you need me you know where to reach me.

2 steps forward, I take 2 steps back

Yeserday as I was cleaning out my desk I found a blue, canvas bound book in a drawer. When opened I found that there were 3 pages filled with a story called "Morning Is A Ledge" that I wrote sometime last year. The rest of the book is completely blank. Just that story, written very neatly and small and nothing else. I didn't stop writing after that or anything. I guess I just figured the book had given me all it could for the time being. I guess I'm weird about that sort of thing, but for the first time in my life I thought If I wasn't me and I met someone who did this,I 'd like them for it. It was an strange, out of body complimet because I generally don't like my work or myself.

I had planned to go and look at the school today, but since I took a sleeping pill last nigt and slept until 130pm today, I might forfeit. I need to ask myself some serious questions about what exastly I am planning on doing this coming school year. I'm not taking steps towards anything, but my inactivity is the eqivalent of taking steps towards working at at Starbucks forever. Make sense?

I want to be Mama Cass.

I'm watching a documentary on MPT (Maryland public television, for thoe of you who don't know) about The Mamas and The Papas. Every fucking time Mama Cass is mentioned they first thing that anyone says is "She was Huge" Or "Cass was rather large" or "I saw her in the doorway and she was a really big woman". Okay, we've seen the pictures. Cass Elliott was overweight. She was also on of the most talented vocalists of all time. We can now stop discrediting her because of her weight. I, personally, think Michelle Phillips looks like an anorexic alien.

I now how much of my life I've wasted either explaining why I like what I like, or lying. If someone asked me who I'd rather be between Cass and Michele, I would pause. The answer is Cass, hands down, no question, end of story. However, in answering "Cass" I would probably have to deal with ignorant responses as to why I'd want to be someone so fat, or unattractive (which I don't think she is) or pitted against someone as pretty as Michelle (Which I don't think she is). It's the same old story. It's happenned since I was little and that's why not many people know my preferences in a lot of arenas. Yeah, I'm being pretentious, lazy and probably unreasonable. However, it is easier to just answer "Michelle" and be done with it and I think that's sad.

Batman Begins

AMAZING. I have to say, I absolutely loved it. Possibly one of the best movies I've ever seen, let alone the best Batman film. I'm so glad it was good, after my dissapointment in Starwars ( I've been abused for it, don't worry). Christian Bale, hands down, played the best Bruce Wayne out of all of them. I'm tempted to post my list of first to last, the best actiros to play batman, but I'lll spare all of you. Suffice it to say that Bale is the best. I also think that Katie Holmes is the best "batgirl" -as Tekoa would say- I've seen. She's beautiful. Christian Bale is beautiful. Cillian Murphy is beautiful (although not really in this movie). I was a little over stimulated. It was actually reall funny, too. Although, again, myself and Jaime were the only people laughing in the theatre. "No, I just wanted you to know how hard it was." But seriously, brilliant movie. Now, onto the bad news; Tom Cruise is marrying Katie Holmes. Enough said.

The Task At Hand (and my hands are shaking)

Yep, that soul-cleaning time has come again. Time to hash everything out and try to make things better. I'm terrified. I think it is my (no-so-secret anymore) fear that when I try to figure out what's going wrong, the answer will just be that I'm a terrible person and people are growing tired of me. I never really know how to do this talking it out things, because I come off much more self righteous and mean than I intend to. I get nervous and blurt things out that I don't necessarily want to say, that I don't necessarily want to bring into it, that I don't necessarily want the other person to know. People are constantly telling me things. People I know and- in some cases- people I don't know. I don't know who to believe. The thing is, maybe I should be believing everyone- that's what's so scary. Maybe everything I hear is true and I've been the asshole still following others like a puppy believing it'll get better. I hope everyone else is a liar and I'm just ultrasensitive. Uh huh. These are the things running through my head right now, but it appears that I've somehow messed up whatever plans I've made to talk, so it's all for naught and I'll have another 2 days,at least, to run all this around in my mind.

When time?

Lately I find myself in odd situations. Situations that would be good if I were a stronger, more adapted, developed person. However, I am a horrible coward and therefore I need to get myself out. It's one of those things where I don't know how to NOT be an asshole. I'd love to explain further, but I don't know how. I don't even know how I got here in the first place. Grrrrr. Why can't I just grow up and say "Fuck you people and what you think of me!" I have a lot to gain in some instances, but my fear of what I'll lose keeps me from risking. Is this human nature, or is this me being a child? When will I have some kind of clarity? When will I stop speaking in riddles and just SAY what I want to say?

Babble

What an unbelieveably shitty day yesterday. I closed on Wednesday night, which wouldn't be bad if I didn't have to open Thursday. I didn't sleep at all wednesday night and showed up at work at about 4am- a half an hour early. I decided to read in my car, figuring that when my coworker arrived at 430, I'd snap out of it and go inside to work. So I happen to glance at the clock and it's 435am. hmmmm. Everyone's allowed to be late every once in a while, so I went in and started working. Soon it's 445am. I call my coworkers house and he tells me that he didn't know he had to work. Okay, fair enough. He says he's on his way. Also fair enough. Then... he just never ever shows. I was alone at work from 4am until after 630 am. Not cool. Then, the milkman comes late and harasses me because he's tired (and late, as usual) and he wants us to open later so that he can catch a nap in his car. I almost hit him. It seems that things are looking up, becasue I get to leave at 1015 to go to a round table meeting in GB, and I'll be off by 12am. Yay!? No, not yay. So, I arrive at GB at 1020ish and sit there, reading again. Again, when I look at the clock it appears that it's already 11:00. The meeting should have started at 1045. Anyway, to make a long painful story short, yesterday before noon was complete shit. I had to leave the meeting early, "dissapointing" my district manager. (uh huh... maybe if someone knew how to keep a schedule, this wouldn't happen) It was just shit.

However... after that I went to The Holocaust museum in D.C. and - surprisingly- that brightened my mood (The company, not the subject matter). It's an interesting place- parts of it literally terrified me, and I won't be going back anytime soon. I'm not saying much important today, but let's just say that after about 8, my day got ridiculously good. Someone is going to read this and be confused, and that's okay. It was just a really good night, even if I am really boring and don't make much sense at times. I feel lucky to have the people in my life that I do right now.

Procrasti.... I'll finish that word later...

I really need to go and look at the school in Catonsville that I will most likely be attending this fall. I'm completely convinced I'm going there, but I haven't even set eyes on the building. Ha.. So, yes. Either friday or Saturday, I need to get off my butt and make that..oh, 10 minute trip(?) to see my new home for the next two years. Despite my lack of preparation, I'm excited to be doing something new. I feel like I need to be in classes again already!!! It's weird, because I overload myself all semester so that when finals come around I'm literally at the end of my rope. Yet, after I've had a few weeks to recover, I feel like I'm not doing enough again. I will NOT take classes this summer, though. I'm really oppossed to a mental breakdown, especially when there are so many wonderful people in town for the summer that I would rather spend time with than do anything else. So, yeah. I'm basically just treading water here. The point is- I'm a procrastinator!

Crash

The tiny spike on the back of my shoe feels unnatural. It gives me a sense of being adult and unstable at the same time. I pair the black and white sandals with long shorts and a garbage t-shirt, and the adult feeling immediately vanishes. There are a lot of things I do to make myself feel grown up. I pay my bills, I work full time, I put myself through school- but oddly enough the inch of plastic under my foot is what does it today. Today I've felt pushed over and walked on, confused, lonely and rejected. Today I do exactly the opposite of what I want, because it's the only way I know to stand up for myself right now. I'm probably completely wrong about everything. I drank way too much last night, more out of anxiety than desire. Why am I lately seeking means I NEVER saw myself seeking for some relief?

Monsterblood